Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.

“Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.” 

The words glare back at me from the monitor of my laptop like they are taunting me to do something about it.  I registered my blog in 2008, and it sat empty until now.  My other blog began to come alive with my contemplations and journeys, but this one sat in the dormant black hole waiting for its time to unfold its story.

I would see the blog’s title on my list of registered blogs, but was not ready to visit it.  I knew that when I did, everything would be different.

Of course, I have attempted to search for my birthparents, story and truth many times in many ways through many years.  I would usually get to a certain point of needing to push past a certain boundary, and it was just easier to let it go.  Now, I have no choice.  It’s time for me to move forward and take the steps I need to take in order to find the truth.

Truth is interesting.  I ask my mom to give me the details of getting me at 2 months old.  She tells her version.  Dad has a completely different remembrance.  I wonder if they picked up the same baby, because my Mom was at the social worker’s office, and Dad went to the hospital.

Even the yellowed pages of the non-identifying information that was given to my mother at the time of my adoption are missing crucial pieces.  It seems as though I was more enthusiastic about protecting the pages that offered me links to my genetic family, telling me the story of my high-school aged mother and her love of creative writing and horseback riding, and the mysterious air of my birthfather’s story and his father who was highly schooled in theology.

I must have thrown the pages away that had to do with how I came into the world.  Most babies (in the western world, that is) come with their opening stats like:  5lbs, 6 oz, 18 inches long.  The baby comes with the story of labor, how long he or she made his mother scream and push and hold out for the epidural.  Most births are wrapped in phone calls to family and friends and cheers and support for the new family.

Mine was nothing like that.

I might be looking for something that isnt’ here…yet.  But, it will be here one day.